Who is better to track down, expose and eliminate Saddam Hussein and
Osama Bin Laden? Is it the U.S. Special Forces or Chuck Barris,
alleged CIA assassin and game show host? Last night Barris
came out of hiding to host the West Side YMCA Gong Show, or was it
just a front for his hunting trip to terminate the world's two biggest
30, 2003—Ground Zero Plus 625
CIA Assassin Gongs NYC But Should Be
Sent To Hit Saddam
Editor, New York City Combat Correspondent News
GROUND ZER0, New York, New York--May
30, 2003-- One of the world's most acclaimed CIA assassins attacked
New York City last night with a gong. The result was a
stage littered with bodies of his "victims," mowed down by the deadly
and brutal "termination with prejudice" of club-like mace used to
smash an ancient gong.
hosting the West Side YMCA Gong Show
Fortunately, there was no blood.
More fortunately, it was all in
fun--in a bizarre sort of way.
The CIA assassin was game show host,
He hosted the 2nd Annual West Side
YMCA Gong Show fund raiser, held last night at the 63rd St. YMCA on
the upper West Side of Manhattan.
However, we think his talents have
been misused. He should be sent undercover to root out Osama Bin
Laden and Saddam Hussein. Maybe that's why he did the YMCA Gong
Show--he's back in the assassination business.
Barris, who rose to national
attention in the 60's and 70's by creating a bevy of game shows such
as The Gong Show, The Dating Game, The Family Game, The Game Game, The
New Treasure Hunt, The Newlywed Game, The $1.98 Beauty Show and How's
Your Mother-In-Law, is also the main character in a recent movie
directed by George Clooney, Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind.
In the book of the same title, Barris
claims he was a CIA assassin during the Cold War. In the
movie, George Clooney plays the role of his CIA contact, issuing
Barris various contracts to "kill" spies in various countries the game
show host visited as part of his role as game show host.
Many believe Barris' story is a spoof
on spooks, but then there is the possibility that his "over-the-top"
fable might have a thread or two of truth in it. Barris remains
tight-lipped on the truth of his role as an assassin, and the CIA
isn't rushing to the front of the stage to "gong" Barris. Even
if the CIA did denounce Barris as a fraud, its repudiation would more
than likely fuel the fires of veracity that what Barris claims might
possibly be true.
One thing is for sure, both his
best-selling book and movie raised Chuck Barris' stock.
Since the movie's release, his recognition and fame has sparked.
Perhaps that's why he chose to
host the West Side YMCA Gong Show benefit last night.
Taking the stage in the small
theater that holds about 100 people, Barris told the audience that he
heard about the Gong Show Benefit and offered to host it to the
delight of YMCA organizers.
"I wanted to help out," he said
as he introduced the various acts, most of which were chosen not for
their talent, but for their ability to be "gonged."
commanded the power of the Gong
three-woman panel held the power of the gong. As
contestants took stage, the judges elected either to let them finish
their amateur acts or, to rise slowly, stalk the brass gong, and then
slam it to end the agony of both the performer and the audience.
contestants won. Superman took third place: he gyrated and
danced about the stage, overcoming evil. Simply Dan won
second, how, I don't know. I preferred Sarah and Jan, the two
one-legged dancers, but Dan was the last act and the judges, I think,
had tired of gonging contestants. Top winners were a
mother and two children, Amy & The Angels.
Gong Show act participants
unicyclist armed with tennis balls that threw at the judges got gonged
early on, and Rory of "Squirrel Amnesia" who balanced himself on a
skateboard while trying to pick up three well-shaken Coke cans and
open them with his teeth was also hissed off the stage.
One contestant, Taina, a
singer, was upset her music didn't play as she warbled sour notes,
suggesting futily that perhaps the music background might have helped
her cracking Voice.
Barris comforted each gonged
contestant in a jovial fashion illustrating years of experience.
He maintains that "stoned look," making one in the audience wonder
what kind of mushrooms he ate before mounting the stage.
Three years ago, Barris tired
of Paris where he had retreated from New York City. But,
according to an interview he held after the show with NY One's
entertainment icon, George Whipple, Barris heard the call of the city
beckoning him back.
Barris' fertile imagination may
have run overtime when he elected to weave into his autobiography the
fact he was a CIA hit man during his game show heyday.
with CIA Agent Barris
Personally, I liked the movie. I'm not a fan of the Gong Show,
and can hardly remember ever watching it. My wife loved it and
sang along with the Gong Show Band. But, the insanity of the
Cold War and cloak-and-dagger nature of the government at that time
(and perhaps still today), leaves enough of a crack in the door of
reality to give an inch of authenticity to Barris' claim.
In my life, I have
witnessed enough stupid decisions by enough allegedly smart and
powerful people to consider anything is possible.
Also, if you were to pick
a mundane person to be an assassin, no one would fit the bill better
than Barris. A short-statured man with bushy hair and a
stoned-grin, no one would suspect him of being a cold-blooded killer.
Maybe that's why he would
be the best to hunt down Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.
Nothing would be more ironic
than having Chuck Barris claim the "kill" of two of the world's most
In a world of massive
technological warfare, a bushy-haired, innocuous looking assassin
might be worth his weight in gold over highly trained Special
Operations Teams that have been foiled when it comes to uncovering and
discovering the Most Wanted Terrorists of All Time.
Imagine the conversation
between the two:
"Did you hear?"
"We're in deep do-do!"
ratings went to Amy and the Angels
"The U.S. is after us again."
fools can't find a needle in a haystack. Why are you worried,
Butcher of Baghdad? They haven't gotten us yet."
"Alas, our days are
numbered. Make your final plans, my friend.
Restore your place in Paradise."
"My turban is
tight, Saddam. What is your concern?"
"They have hired a
new assassin. He is coming our way."
"Who is it, Great
Butcher of Baghdad?"
He has surfaced in New York City. He is back again. Make
your peace with Allah, my friend."
"I will. I
will leap upon my sword before I let Chuck Barris Gong me to death.
What a horrible legacy. To have been sent to Paradise by Chuck
Barris. I shudder at the thought."
"I shall drink
"I will see you in
"Don't wait, Osama.
If you see a bushy-haired man coming on a camel, kiss Allah, for your
life is not worth the din of a gong."
Saddam. Thank you, my friend. Thank you for the warning."
29--"Feeding The Beast Of Terror"
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