GROUND ZER0, New York, N.Y.--June 24, 2003-- I'm growing weary of killing Saddam Hussein.  It seems almost daily, I hear how we think we killed him, or tried to.   And, the worst of it is--he always escapes.  Maybe its time to sic one of the world's best bounty hunters on him.

     When I was a kid there was a comic book character called Plastic Man.   He could change shapes and slide under doors and ooze through keyholes.    He was like an amoeba, constantly slithering in and out of danger.

      Plastic Man, however, was a Super Hero, not a Super Villain as Saddam Hussein is.
      Unfortunately, Plastic Man died.  His appeal to the world of comic book super heroes wasn't strong enough to match that of Superman and Batman, or even the most recent craze, The Hulk.
        If the United States is the League of Justice--a collection of super heroes from Marvel Comics led by Captain America--then Saddam Hussein is pretending to be Plastic Man's evil counterpart.  He's escaping the clutches of justice as all arch rivals must to keep the story of "good" vs. "evil" alive.

        The latest attack on Saddam didn't make much of blip on my "Get-The-Bad-Guy" radar screen.  I ho-hummed at it.  Part of the reason is I'm getting tired of the idea of "trying to kill" the bad guys.
        The first night of the Iraqi War I was sure the thousands of pounds of bombs had found their target when they rocked one of Saddam's Palaces where he and his sons were allegedly planning to defend Baghdad.   Then there was the subsequent restaurant attack with our bunker-blasting laser-guided "blow-them-to-hell" mega-power explosives ripping the guts out of earth's womb, only to find out later that nowhere in the rubble could be found a finger, toe, chunk of an ear, an eyelash or a pubic hair to confirm Saddam's DNA.
         The latest assassination attempt, conducted last Wednesday, targeted Saddam in a vehicle. But no head has rolled down the streets of Baghdad, or been stuck on a pole and paraded so that the world can expel a deep sigh of relief that our attempts to "kill the Butcher of Baghdad" have come full circle.
     

         Maybe it's time to call out the "Dog."
         Fifty-year-old Duane "Dog" Chapin, that is.
         The "Dog," as he is called, has a nose for criminals since he is a convicted murderer turned bounty hunter, turned Christian.    After being released from prison, the "Dog" had a conversion.  He decided to use his felonious instincts to sniff out bad guys.  Thousands of bail jumpers felt his fangs when he bit into them with handcuffs and hauled them off to jail, collecting his 10 percent of the bail.

       Bounty hunters work for bail agents, tracking down those who fail to show up in court after bail has been posted.  They usually are paid 10 to 15 percent of the bail amount.  It's a deal because bail companies lose the full amount to the court if a fugitive fails to show up for six months.
         His most recent success was capturing Andrew Luster, Max Factor heir, who jumped bail rather than start serving a 124-year sentence for rape in California.   The Dog captured Luster in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico and ended up in jail himself.  Mexico, unlike the United States, isn't big on bounty hunters.

        Assuming the Dog doesn't have to spend "hard time" for kidnapping charges in some Mexican prison, the U.S. ought to rub an old Saddam hat in the Dog's face and drop him into Baghdad.   If there's anyone who can sniff out the bad guy, the top choice has to be the "Dog."
         However, to unleash the Dog on Saddam would be a slap in the CIA's, Special Operations', FBI's, and a host of other U.S. military and government intelligence cadres.
         The Dog, with his long-hair and swaggering ex-con style, cuts a profile contrary to what the United States would like to present to the world.
         So, if the U.S. wants the kudos that go along with capturing the "bad guy," then how about siccing the Dog on finding the Weapons of Mass Destruction.

        Let's assume that Saddam buried vials of evil content in safe places in his California-sized country of 24 million.   Well, the bloodhound nature of the Dog would not let the shifting sands of Iraq stand in his way.   If he can capture one of the most elusive and high-profile bail jumpers such as Lester, the odds are more favorable for him to root out the truffles of Saddam's WMD cache than all the power and might of tens of thousands of U.S. military and intelligence personnel digging madly through the sands.
         There are certainly big things at stake for the Dog to be let loose on the WMDs.   The world is critical of the U.S. intelligence, and is attacking the President and Administration on the grounds that the WMD's were a ruse used to legitimize the unilateral actions of the U.S. to launch war on Iraq.   Of course, these critics forget that even the U.N. confirmed the weapons were there, and the ejection of their WMD inspection teams that led up to the war suggested Saddam was hiding, or attempting to hide such weapons.   The history of his use of them on his own people is well recorded, but none of those facts seem to stop the critics from slinging slime at the Administration, or, for some, even calling for the President's impeachment if is confirmed he had directed the jerry rigging of intelligence data on the issue.
          If I were the President, I would have airdropped in mobile labs of WMD-filled vans created by the CIA when the war ended, and then "found" evidence of the WMDs.    While not quite Hoyle, it would have quashed all the "kick-the-Iraqi-sand-in-the-President's-face" attempts to make the U.S. look like its intelligence and military had no veracity when it comes to infiltrating the enemy camp.
         But now, it may be "Dog Time!"
         In desperate times, desperate measures are often necessary.
         Working a deal with Mexico to drop charges, and giving the Dog an Iraqi Dog Run, might solve all the President's WMD problems.   
         Okay, so let's assume the government doesn't want the Dog near Iraq.
         We have at least one other job for consideration.
         All this started with a 6-4-inch guy named Osama bin Laden.
        He's still on the lam.

         The least we can do with a vital natural resource such as the "Dog" is to rub Osama's turban in his face so he's a good sniff of guy, and can start sniffing him out.
          What's cool about Dog, is that he brings his guy back alive.
          The military is out to "kill" Saddam and Osama, which kind of soils our image.
         I think about kids sitting in front of the television hearing about our "fouled attempts" to kill the two bad guys of the Mid-East.
          It seems to endorse the idea that to resolve an issue with an enemy, you hunt them down and kill them.    You don't hear much discussion about "capturing" Saddam.
          When the U.S. public ally sanctions killing and assassination, I get chills.   I just don't know how I can explain to my grandchildren the righteousness of assassination.
          Every time I hear news about the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, it's "the eye-for-an-eye" message.  One side kills and immediately the other side kills.  It's a deadly ping-pong game with the only winner being the Beast of Terror who thrives on people's blood, especially the innocent.
          Dog Chapin can change that.
          While he may not cut the mold as a Sentinel of Vigilance, in a way, he is.   He doesn't go on his missions to "kill" his prey.    He's after them for the reward.
          For American children, a bounty hunter who risks his life to get the bad guy without killing him is refreshing.  It's red-white-and-blue material.
          Plus, the Dog is a symbol that a child can change.  Say a child has had a rough time--maybe bad grades, or run-ins with the law.   Often a kid thinks he's stuck in a rut, or buried in a self-image of "bad" that can never be "good."
          Dog breaks that mold.

          He shifted from being a criminal to hunting them.   He turned a life of crime into a life of Justice-seeking.  Sure, he gets a reward, but the American Way is you get something for all your efforts.  We don't look down on achievement, medals, money or fame and fortunes as rewards for hard work.   Dog changed his life.   Rumor has it his name spelled backwards is code for G-O-D.
           Putting Dog on the trail of Saddam, bin Laden or the WMD would boost not weaken the U.S. image worldwide.  It would be refreshing and supportive to our children to watch a bounty hunter seeking to capture the worst criminals in the world with handcuffs rather than blowing them into a million pieces and trying to match up DNA.
          I'd love to see Dog on television telling us all how he snuck into Saddam's bedroom one night and cuffed him in behalf of the League of Justice.
          He'd make The Hulk and Spiderman look like wimps.

          A Sentinel of Vigilance employs the tools of Courage, Conviction, and Right Actions for future generations.    A Beast of Terror uses Fear, Intimidation and Complacency to tyrannize anyone at anytime.
           Applying this formula, the Dog's search for and capture of either Saddam or bin Laden would qualify for the Sentinel kudos.
           Anyone who could single-handedly capture--ALIVE--the worst criminals of modern times, and march them in handcuffs into the living rooms of the world, boasting while he did it that he learned from his mistakes that he, the Dog, learned how to evolve from a Beast of Terror into a Sentinel of Vigilance, why what a lesson that would be to the world and to the children.

          Instead of seeing America as an assassin-nation whose only resolution to justice was killing the criminals, the Dog would assuage that image.   Walking handcuffed Saddam or bin Laden in front of him down the streets would serve to humiliate the leaders.   Killing them would only give them martyr status.
           So, if I were a Presidential advisor, I would slip up to the President when no one was looking and whisper:  "Sic the Dog on them, George.  Sic Dog Chapin on them.   He'll help you win the election because he'll bring them to justice.   Deputize him today and insure your second term."
           President Bush isn't dumb.
           He comes from a state of bounty hunters.
           And, he knows, if he doesn't find Saddam or bin Laden or the WMD, there's a bounty on his head.  And, it will be collected at the voting booths.